Wannabe MILF

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Old-School

• Chris: "Oh my God!"
  Heather: "I know! I can't believe they were talking about that! They are so ignorant! Did you hear them say that our tax dollars are used buy condoms and pay for abortions in Guatemala?"
  Chris: "I know. I wish the government would pay for my condoms and Guatemalan abortions...do you know what a big portion of my monthly budget that is?!"
• Chris: "Based on her picture, I thought the lady that was interviewing me was a lesbian, but after meeting her, I don't think she's a lesbian, just sexually aggressive; she seems like some sort of liberal MILF who never had kids."
• Chris: "What are you doing cock-sucker?! Sucking cock?! Typical."
• Chris: "Yeah, I'd like Botox too. And Lasik. And maybe a chin implant. Basically, I want enough plastic surgery to make me unrecognizable."
• Chris (leaving a voicemail): "Hey, motherfucker! This is the third day I've called you without you calling me back, which is especially interesting considering you bitched and moaned like a schoolgirl on her period when I didn't call you last Saturday! And, so help me Holy God, if you call back from 8 to 10, while 'Housewives' and 'Brothers & Sisters' are on, I'll do something so horrible to you that the only way you'll be able to make a living is by painting watercolors with your feet!"
• Chris: "The season premier of 'Lost' is tonight! You should watch it!"
  AJ: "That show looks stupid."
  Chris: "It's not stupid! It's just a little supernatural. Last season ended when Ben blew up the time travel machine and climbed down into the igloo underneath the island and turned a big thing sorta like a wagon wheel to move the island. Then it disappeared into the ocean..........I promise it's better than it sounds!"
• Chris: "I'm so broke. It's not fair that women can make like $5,000 by selling one of their eggs, but no one pays for sperm."
  Heather: "In my experience, most guys are happy to give it away for free."
  Chris: "Poor negotiating skills: one of the weaknesses of our gender."
• Chris: "I just found out that a girl that went to high school with me has been married, divorced, and is now working as a stripper in Mobile. My life is so boring."
  Heather: "You want to be a stripper? Because I'm pretty sure no one is gonna want to pay to see that...no offense."
  Chris: "I don't want to be a stripper...necessarily. And for your information, plenty of women would pay to see this; apparently you're unaware of the prevalence of fetishes in our society. --No, I'm just saying that her life has been so interesting; what have I accomplished."
  Heather: "You've seen every episode of the Golden Girls at least three times."
  Chris: "You're right; I guess it all balances out in the end."
• Chris: "I went to high school with this girl they called 'The Brown Bag Special' because for any guy to have sex with her, she'd have to be wearing a paper bag over her head. I guess you kids nowadays would call her a 'butterface,' but you know me: I'm old-school."
• Chris: "Spending time with Heather makes me feel like the portrait of mental health."